My World is Raining a Silent Whisper of the Mysteries Ahead...

I guess I haven't written a lot at all in the recent months. It's been difficult thinking of what to write; what to feel, what to say, how to feel, and how to say the things in my mind, in my heart.. the things in my life.

Although I've never left my favourite Japanese band, Alice Nine, it's really been a while since I woke thinking of them, slept thinking of them, and been playing all of their songs over and over in my head every second of the day. I've travelled far and wide through other bands, whilst having Alice Nine providing the interludes of the silence when nothing needed to be explored, or when my curiosity faded or grew tired.

Now I'm back listening to Alice Nine daily; waking to them playing in my head, sleeping to their murmuring songs in my head... I'm finally able to immerse myself into my world again.

Everyone has one of those right? A world of their own. A happy place. A haven or simply a place where you escape, or bury all your secrets.

For months I've never visited that place. As if I knew it didn't welcome me, as if I wanted to forget. And as a result I wandered, exploring, marauding. It felt strange, empty, yet it felt good.

Having returned to listening to Alice Nine and one particular song by Screw, Ancient Rain, it feels as if the gates to my World unlocks, welcoming me back from my adventures, telling me to rest and await my next.

I've graduated from my Post-graduate studies now and suddenly everything feels so unreal, so unlike me, so strange. It's like I'm suddenly on a limbo, in a vacuum, in a space where time stops... everything is so meaningless, so quiet... so deadly quiet.

I'm waiting to embark on my PhD course and whilst I wait for all the administrative procedures, my World is lightly raining. It's not thundering down like a storm... It's not depressing either, but neither is it a joyous hopeful sort of rain.

In this moment of space, it seems that my World is telling me to be patient and wait inside until the rain is over; murmuring past memories, seeing them flash through my mind, mixing them with all my thoughts of future hopes. Good memories, but mainly bad memories... good thoughts... bad thoughts... they play out in front of my eyes like a film; some are clear, others fuzzy just like the flurrying rain in my World. Misty, distant, muted.

I feel numb, cold, empty. I can't explain in detail enough what my World is like. But all I know is that there is only me, and the weather always reflects something from my mind, or heart.

It's probably raining, not because I'm sad, definitely not, but perhaps because I'm anxious. I need to find what triggers the fiery passion I once had. However, that passion was driven by something also almost killed me; my music. As I've probably mentioned in numerous entries before, music is my love, my hate, my life, my death.

I'm treating my piano rather coldly... letting the rain mist over it in my World, letting dust cover it in layers and forgetting it, locked up in the furthest place in my World.

But my body aches, being without it, it aches, I ache. I thought my guitar could satisfy my hunger for music creativity, and encourage my laziness and casualness towards the piano so I could forget, recover. But I couldn't. I'm aching whilst watching the rain sprinkle all over my World whilst I avoid that far away place where I locked my piano up in my heart.

Like the girl on the cover of Ancient Rain by Screw, I lock away my speech, refusing to communicate to any soul the things my heart pours into music.

I play it every now and then... when I need to. For work. But I'm clumsy, heartless, and just careless with it. Can I pour my heart out again now that I've had it locked up since I changed career paths? I can, but it would feel so wrong; I need to concentrate on my new path, not dwell on my forgotten ones. If I dwelled in the past, past loves, so to speak... I could not make the most of the future, and what's happening right now. So I stand here, with dignity, with integrity, refusing to speak of the past, forever looking forward even when I'm afraid and uncertain. My life has so many opportunities and yet it is still so blurred, so mysterious and it's so easy to become fearful.

Regardless, I'm glad to be 'home'. Because I know, being in this place will enlighten me. It's raining perhaps it doesn't want me to ache, to hurt, to cry. It's crying for me. After the rain there's always a rainbow, somewhere. 

So here I shall wait. Once the rain lightens up, I'll search for that rainbow.

Because after this rain, I want to be able to go back to my World and confidently say たああいま。

Most of all, I want to fulfil the balance of my World with my music.

Even if all my sins continue to haunt me I won't avoid or deny it. I'll just look away and focus past the rain, to a better me. After all, like a warrior I've stoically conquered missions of life before, and will continue to do so. If and when I become blind with fear, I'll see with my heart, I'll listen and I'll believe.

I'll prepare myself for what's coming... 

whilst my World is raining a silent whisper of the mysteries ahead.