Heading into battle alone...

In the past month, I have been unable to write as I was extremely busy.

Each day I was faced with deadlines and people chasing for work in shorter and shorter periods of time.

I was working between 10-16 hours a day on my work at home.

Although it was tough, it didn't bother me much and I was glad to be excused from the PhD office.

Upon my return I was back in the battlefield, or more precisely another battlefield, and the most difficult of all; the socio-political battlefield.

For months now I have been tolerating people undermining me, questioning my competences, condescending attitudes and discrimination for being apparently "young and inexperienced" and various other personal remarks which I will not repeat here. I have been patient, tolerant and forgiving. 

I won't deny that I have been an achiever on this course, but it has never been due to luck or chance.  And being the youngest in the office until very recently, I have had to put up with a mixture of reactions from my so called colleagues about my existence. I don't go out to provoke nor do I put up a haughty front. In fact I keep myself to myself and am rather nonchalant although not unfriendly.

There's a chinese idiom "無敵是最寂寞" ~ To be without an enemy is the loneliest. 

This idiom perhaps portrays the loneliness one experiences when you have no one who understands you because you have reached places they haven't yet; when you've climbed that mountain and you're standing on the top, no one else will know what you're seeing... so they won't understand.

Indeed being currently the highest achiever in the PhD office for my year, it does prove difficult for others to approach me or be convinced that in fact I do not care nor judge. However it is far from lonely, isolated yes, but I'm not lonely. Far from it.

I thrive on my solitude. 

I hunt alone; my own goals, my own strategies, and eventually my own achievements.

I fight my battles alone.

I never chose it to be that way, but since I was young fate has forced me to hold my own or at least learn to. And here I am. The more you doubt me, force me into an hostile environment, the stronger I become.

My first week out of the house to the office for weeks since the start of my project that had forced me to become reclusive and confine myself to the four walls of my room, I return last week to discover that the office 'situation' has exacerbated.

Factions and cliques are becoming obvious, if not absolutely blatent. Members whispering in groups and plotting, everyone involved but myself. Call me paranoid but it's one of those hunches you can't really get wrong. I ignored it since of course there's no proof, even with members of staff noticing the weird behaviour occurring in the office. And lo behold I receive an email minutes later, calling for a group meeting. I sense a revolution, a plot to scrape me off my feet, and make me fall.

The group meeting is tomorrow. And it's a battle alone against perhaps 20 of them; all opinionated doctoral students, stubborn and egotistical, all prepared to take me apart. I am the Post-graduate Research student representative, and they are going to 'discuss' (or more like interrogate and debate) issues. Basically, use this opportunity to undermine and condescend me in a large group. Somewhat akin to psychological bullying. To make this difficult for me, to test my weaknesses.

It's another battle. 

To say I'm not anxious is a lie, but I'm also excited, thrilled even. Just like someone has dared me to play a dangerous game. Of course I have weaknesses, we all do, and no one can ever be certain that ones weakness does not appear/occur or reveal itself in such situations. But at the same time I feel the adrenaline rush in my blood to test both myself and my opponents. As the minutes and hours get closer to Monday, I am feeling the ruthless, calculated, violent cold-blooded heart of mine pumping faster and faster. A hear that reveals itself when I'm in danger. A heart to protect me.

I'm back in battle-mode again. And is possibly going to be a very heated one. I haven't felt this evil excitement for a while, in the past 5 or 6 months.

And like the dragon girl I am deep inside... a dragon of the night, resting under the moonlit sky, preparing for the fight tomorrow... I will fight this battle alone.. however many opponents I have.

I'll show them the real fire I have inside... a fire that burns inside to stop those around me who are out to purposely hurt me.

In this dog eat dog world, you reap what you sow. The strongest survive.

If you leave me no choice, then it'd be a perfect excuse for me to be ruthless.

I'm looking forward to it.