A Missing Part of Me...

"Because it's music, I'm willing to give myself to it... even through suffering and blindly aiming at something and somewhere impossible for me... it's music, and it makes everything feel right..."

Been spending a good portion of the morning watching videos and generally 'fangirl-ing' over my idols. Watching the backstage footage of how they practise all night, even if they're tired... it reminds me of my music days... and also the type of days I'd yearn for.

Of course my music days has not stopped, but they aren't how they used to be. It's tough being in music, and especially the music industry, but somehow I just feel it's worth it, despite the pressure and the amount of stress. I'm a masochist 笑. It seems so much more fun in a band rather than going solo, which piano is, most the time. Even now, my heart truly lies in music, stubbornly, even if I don't want it to. I'd love to work so hard towards something that it really tests you to your limits; the results feel much better and satisfaction tastes like victory.

I came out of 'music' because Music Conservatoire/College made me really ill, without realising. 

Music was an addictive drug to me; it's fine if I don't touch it and forbade myself to, but once I started, I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop myself aiming higher and forcing myself to do the physically impossible for my body. It was poisonous to me and yet I yearned for it; every part of it - the highs and lows and the side effects.

I was an addict to the stress, the pain, the tough yet fulfilling schedules, and even more so the victories, the satisfaction, the adrenaline rushes, the nerves tingling and the numb feeling of being on stage. It was love, hate and addiction all in one. 

A very potent mixture.

I regret not being able to do even better, but perhaps it was my limit. I regret not being better, perhaps would be the correct statement. But I guess being stuck in Classical Music really took me apart - maybe I should've took up something else, something that was more innovative and free. But I don't regret it.

At the moment most of my music has been shoved to one side. It's not that I don't want to do it anymore, quite the contrary. I just don't have the time or energy to do it as well as I'd like AND do all this work at the moment. I have to look after myself first... other wise my health will once deteriorate again.

I'm such a perfectionist I can't bear to do things half way and letting myself stop practise when things sound awful. Once all these exams over I will get back on to the piano.

It's not something I'm good at, but it's something I love.

And as I always say to people: 

"Give me a chance and I'll show you; I may not have much talent, but I have 100% passion"

It's the thing that people hear in my music; not my technical ability (or lack of), not my knowledge of performance, but my heart. When I connect to music, I really truly do. I sing through my heart via my fingers, hoping that somehow, how I feel will radiate and reverberate into the audience like a powerful aura. It's a bit farfetched, but it's a thought that made me want to 'sing' more.

I guess part of me feels empty because I'm having to restrain that passion... it wasn't meant for me, or rather, I'm not meant for it.

If being heartbroken feels like this, then I'd rather only love this once.